Why older women have big advantages in the dating game

Yes, believe it!

Photo by Gustavo Fring

It used to be so easy didn’t it – dating, sex, and relationships? Back in the days of being 20-something, there was such a choice of men (or whatever gender you were into). If you fell out of one relationship, you could just fall right into another.

In fact the way I remember it, “dating” as such didn’t really happen. You could just go to a party, get a bit pissed, end up snogging someone in the corner, and that would, or wouldn’t, get things started off.

Nowadays, there aren’t so many parties, at least not ones where you could get away with that sort of behaviour. And online dating? Well that seems stacked in favour of the young and beautiful.

Finding a partner after 50 seems fraught with difficulty, but it certainly can be done. I’ve done it myself and I’ve built a business – Dating Evolved – where I run a program to help older women with this exact same thing and with tons of success stories.

But to get into a good position to meet a quality man, one of the most important things we need is a positive mindset (see this post to understand why).

And so to that end I’d like to point out some of the serious advantages that we older women have in the quest for a partner. We have plenty of reasons to be cheerful.

Yes - really honestly. Read on…

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1. Menopause & onwards is the perfect time for new adventures.

The thing is, menopause does not signal that we’re old or done for – it’s actually a biological gift.

It’s when your body says,

“Right, I’m done with making babies, and going through all the hormonal cycles, menstruation, mood swings, competition and all that palaver, and now I’m going to spend my energy on having new missions, new adventures, and I can bestow my wisdom and my productivity on my family, my social group or for the greater good!”

That is WHY we evolved to have menopause, and to have a chunk of life beyond reproductive age!

I know that for some it can be a pretty difficult time dealing with various symptoms and of course there’s a plethora of advice out there on how to deal with these, but for now I want to emphasise the point that menopause isn’t about being on the way out, it’s about having new opportunities.

So it means is that we’re released from the shackles of reproduction and we can base our choice of partner on what we would like in our lives, not on who we want to be the father of our kids, or who’d be a good bet for increasing our status or wealth (yes, these play a big part in who younger women are attracted to, although we might not have been conscious of the fact). And we’re in the fortunate position nowadays not to be restricted by old-fashioned values about how we should act at this age.

Y’know there’s no rule that says when we hit 50 we have to quietly go off into a corner and become invisible.

Let’s face it – our 50s, 60s and 70s nowadays aren’t what they used to be. As long as we’ve looked after ourselves, our middle and later years can be a whole new journey. Our kids, if we have them, have left home or at least getting old enough not to take up all our time, and we’re still able and hopefully healthy enough to try new stuff, have amazing escapades and get into a fantastic new relationship.

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2. We don’t have to find a good father for our babies

Being of post-reproductive age also means we can decouple ourselves from the desires we used to have on the basis of genetic quality. We’re not looking for a good genetic father for our kids when we’re looking for a partner (and btw we’re attracted to the genetic traits in men when we’re younger whether we’re planning to have kids or not).

This potentially means that you might be in a better position to choose a partner on the basis of having qualities that will make them good at relationships rather than being so concerned about the chemistry.

So you can choose someone who will make you happy!

I’ll let you into a secret: Generally the men that younger women really get the hots for are not those who are especially likely to make them happy. Our biology doesn’t care about happiness.

Now we’re older, our hormones can actually start working in our favour!

How do they do that? You may ask.

Well, when women are at the reproductive stage of life, they tend to have a slight penchant for masculine looking men, especially at times of the month when they’re experiencing peaks in levels of the hormone oestrogen and can get pregnant. Researchers speculate that this preference exists because masculine, dominant, men – those with higher levels of circulating testosterone - are thought to be healthier and potentially of higher genetic quality than their less macho peers. Important if they might be the father of your kids.

So women with high oestrogen levels often want men with high testosterone levels.

The problem with high T men though is that they can spell trouble in relationships – potentially prone to infidelity and general bad behaviour. But for women in their reproductive years they’re often irresistible, in spite of being a pain in the ass.

What about post-reproductive women then? We don’t need a good genetic father for the kids so are we still attracted to masculine men?

To find out the answer to this question, a team led by evolutionary psychologist Tony Little, then at the University of Stirling, tested women’s preference for men in photos – where levels of masculine or feminine appearance had been adjusted to vary.

When they tested reproductive aged women they found, as expected from previous research, a small degree of preference for masculine looking male faces. But when they tested pre-pubescent girls, and women of post reproductive age, none of whom experience the monthly spikes in oestrogen or can get pregnant – they found that these participants preferred male faces that were a bit more feminine.

It makes perfect sense. What’s the point in going for a masculine bloke and putting up with the costs of a high testosterone partner when you can’t get the good gene benefits?

Women who are going through, or are past menopause are more likely to want a good companion than good genes - although of course they may well want good sex too! But while young women will be prone to chasing “bad boys”, it appears that for older women like us, our hormones are working in favour of our relationship happiness!

Photo by Kampus Production

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3. We don’t have to worry about a loudly ticking biological clock

We’re in a much more relaxed position than the women maybe 10, 20 or 30 years younger than us that are worrying about declining fertility and desperate to find a man to have babies with.

Single women in their late 30s and early 40s who’d like to start a family are, sadly, in a particularly tricky position because men of their own age and older who are in the market for baby-making will usually be aiming to partner up with someone in their 20s or early 30s. This really cranks up the pressure for these older reproductive-age women. Once we’re past 45 and heading into our 50s or older, we’re done with that.

Assuming you’re a woman in the target audience for this Substack, either you’ve had kids or you haven’t but it’s unlikely that you’ll be giving birth any time soon. You’re not in the competition then for broody males, or “the one” to set up home and have children with.

That’s a relief!

Photo by Kampus Production

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4. We can take it or leave it – we’re independent!

We older women can afford to try things out and we can leave a relationship if we don’t like it. We know we won’t get caught up in being dependent on a guy because of children and needing him to help look after them and fund them.

We can make up our own rules around the relationships we have. They can be casual, they can be LAT (living apart together), we can co-habit or we can tie the knot – we and our partners choose.

And no chance of getting swamped by nappies and having sleepless nights because of crying babies. We can spend our time on our relationship and enjoying being together, which seems like a recipe for success to me.

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So… there you go, plenty to be happy about for older women in the dating game. I hope this helps you feel more positive about getting out there to find your great guy!

But of course I know there are challenges, as in, you need to know…

· How to successfully run the gauntlet of the aforementioned online dating

· How to feel confident in your own attractiveness

· How to identify the men who could make you happy and avoid the wrong ‘uns

· How to desire a good guy

· Where and how to meet and connect with good men in real life

Well as it happens, I’ve got just the thing to help you with this. If you’re ready to get proactive to find a lovely, compatible partner, you might like to come along to my FREE MASTERCLASS next Tuesday (28^th) at 7pm BST:

The 5 Essentials for Successful Dating

~ for Women over 50

In this class, I’ll introduce you to my scientific approach for finding the right man for you and I’ll tell the story of how I myself successfully changed my ways and found the love of my life in my 50s. And I’ll go through the points above and show you how to get them nailed. Time for Q&A at the end too.

You can register >>HERE<< and there’ll be a replay available for a couple of days after.

See you then :)

Much love,

Mairi