Photo by Nichole Michalou
“Why don’t men turn up to the events in singles groups? They join the club but they don’t turn up - are they just lazy?
This was a question posed by a member during a recent group call in a dating program I run for women over 50.
She told us that she’d joined a singles club - with hope in her heart - but it just wasn’t what she’d expected and she was fed up.
Another member added that she’d tried a speed dating event in the previous week and there were twice as many women as men. And the men that were there were so old it seemed like they were at death’s door!
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It’s such a common problem, especially for older age groups, and one that must give the organisers of any kind of singles event a headache. There are almost always more women than men, unless the organisers cap the numbers for each sex, meaning of course that tickets for women are in short supply.
Then the problem tends to be that while different women turn up to each event, the men tend to be the same ones popping up over and over.
I have my theories about why this happens – a bit of speculation mixed with what we know from the science of sex differences, plus some input from actual men, which y’know is useful.
I suspect men’s reticence with this stuff is less to do with being ‘lazy’ and more to do with the fact that on average, they’re less inclined to socialise generally than women are. Men haven’t depended over evolutionary time on their social networks to the same extent as woman have, so they tend not to put the same time and effort into maintaining this social support.
The result is that men – especially older men - are less likely to have friends who will encourage them to go to these events, or friends to actually go along with them in a pair or a group as women often do. So unless they’re really determined, men are less likely to summon up the gumption to get out there. It’s more uncomfortable and it’s less fun if you’re on your own.
And as “Andrew the not-quite-Grey” said in a comment in response to an article I’ve posted about this topic before:
“When men go somewhere specifically to be social - a pub, a BBQ - it’s generally to socialise with people they already know. Going somewhere specifically to socialise with strangers is not something most men tend to do”.
I’m not saying don’t go to singles events though.
Do go! I met Rob, the man who’s now my husband, at a singles night in a bar in Edinburgh.
That evening, when I walked into the event with my pal, I remember being struck by the distribution of men and women in the venue. The girls were all in a couple of gaggles at the bar, while the blokes were spread out singly throughout the rest of the space, as if they were each guarding a table to themselves.
Photo by Edmond Dantes
I could almost hear Sir David Attenborough’s voice in the background…
“And here we have the males of the species, staking out their small territories, nursing their pints of beer, and throwing meaningful glances in the direction of the gregarious females in the hope that one of them will be impressed with the male’s plumage and make an approach…”
Incidentally, I did make an approach. Nothing would have happened otherwise! (but that’s another point for another time…)
Another reason men often avoid events specifically organised for singles may come down to the direct way men compete with other men – which is different from the more covert competitive behaviours that women display with each other (we do - often without even being consciously aware).
As a result of this direct competition men tend to have bigger egos than women – what better way to get others to think you’re better, stronger, more attractive than them than to believe it yourself - and that makes it harder for a lot of men to admit that they might need a bit of help in finding a partner.
This overt competition among men also means it’ll strike fear into their hearts (particularly the empathetic ones) to walk across that floor and speak to a woman – especially an attractive woman who’s with a group of others – because if he gets rejected he’s going to be crushed. And right in front of all the other guys…
I would absolutely advocate going to singles events, because I know from first-hand experience that they have the potential yield great outcomes, if you’re prepared to be a bit proactive.
But of course it’s no panacea and I would prioritise instead going to events/clubs/classes where men go.
Photo Gustavo Fring
So where DO they go?
Some kinds of sports clubs are a good bet: golf, skiing, tennis, kayaking.
Music-based clubs, although don’t go to a choir expecting to find a man because they tend to be at least 90% women!
Even the cliched stuff like car maintenance or DIY. There’ll definitely be a pile of men there and you’ll learn some useful stuff.
There are tons of possibilities – for some ideas to get you going see my blog post on this.
Men, on the whole, like DOING things rather than just being somewhere and chatting face-to-face. And to be honest, plenty of women too would rather meet others in a less high-pressure environment, so it’s worth trying out places where you can get to know others gradually while you’re all focussing on a common activity. It’s a good opportunity to see how people interact with others and potentially grow to like them before having to decide about whether there’s any romantic potential.
Andrew again:
“Male socialisation primarily occurs in the spaces around other activities. To meet men, attend and add value to an environment where men are gathering to do stuff. Not only will you meet men, but you’ll meet them in an environment where they are being genuine, not an environment where both of you are awkwardly trying to curate your social interactions.”
Of course, all these things – finding a suitable club or class, getting to know people, working out who’s single – this all takes time, and singles events can be a good shortcut to finding someone eligible.
So if, dear reader, you are a man - please tell us why you don’t come to singles events (assuming you’re single), and also, where DO you go? Comment below!
Love,
Mairi
PS. If you’re a woman over 50 and would like some help with dating and finding a good partner, I’m running a FREE MASTERCLASS on Tuesday 1st September at 7pm BST, entitled:
The 5 Essentials for Successful Dating
– for Women over 50
In this class I’ll introduce you to my scientific approach for finding the right man for you, and I’ll tell the story of how I, myself successfully changed my ways and found the love of my life in my 50s.
You’ll also learn:
How to grow your self-esteem and get into a healthy mindset for dating
How to identify the men who have the qualities needed for a great relationship
How to come to desire a good man (as opposed to falling for “bad-boys”)
How to write your online dating profile to be a magnet for the right men for you and a filter for the duffers
Where to meet good men in real life and how to connect with them
There will be a Q&A session at the end where I’ll answer your dating questions, and you’re going to leave this masterclass with the tools you need to get out there and find your man!
When: Tuesday 1st September at 7pm BST – on Zoom
Registration (free): https://www.datingevolved.com/masterclass
Mairi will also be talking about this very subject - Can I Still Find A Partner - at our Rebel Later Life: the ideas party on Oct 10th at Cecil Sharp House, Camden. She will also be on the panel Redesigning Your Relationship After 50.
Buy tickets here - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/rebel-later-life-the-ideas-party-tickets-1992202961687?
