I’m too sexy (for my hat, what do you think about that?)

At 71

This song by Right Said Fred is my kitchen disco tune! I feel probably at my most sexy now at 71 than ever before in my life. But what does that mean?

It means I am more confident. It means that I love my body and I understand my sexual needs more than ever before. As a result, I am perceived as sexy by others and although that is not my aim, I do really enjoy it! It means I feel desirable and I feel like a sexual person. This wasn’t always the case.

As a teenager and in my 20s, I felt the usual strong hormonal urges but had no idea how to work with them or how to make a satisfying sexual relationship. I was clueless. I did not feel sexy. I was not body confident even though my body was young, slender and attractive to many. I never masturbated and would not have known how to start. I didn’t receive any helpful education, or have any decent role models and wasn’t around anyone who could enlighten me. I was anxious, depressed and came from a background of trauma. Any sexual advance was welcomed even though I felt hardly anything as my nervous system was mostly in the freeze state. But I welcomed advances with no boundaries as I perceived them to be signs of affectionate which I yearned for.

As I went into my 30s and as I started my therapeutic journey, I began to explore my own needs emotionally and sexually. Looking back, I can see how my internal “sexiness” began to rise as this process continued however feeling sexy was still often overridden by my emotional neediness as a result of my background. It was going to take a long time to build up my self-worth. I do think they go hand in hand, self-worth and feeling confident in your sexuality.

The next big shift in my mentality and ‘sexometer’ came from the extraordinary Jo King, the burlesque superstar! When my children left home and after 20something years of bringing them up on my own, I decided I needed to do something new as I was missing them so much. I had a good career as a craniosacral therapist and healthcare educator but there was definitely a big gap in my life when I was on my own. I looked at my options. Flower arranging or learning to strip! I decided to do workshops in burlesque with Jo King. It was a revelation. I arrived full of negativity towards myself and my body. My boobs were too small. I was too old (55) to be sexy. Blah, blah, blah! I had spent years focusing more on being a mother than my sexual needs. Right from the first moment, I stepped into that dance studio, Jo made it very clear we were not to entertain those thoughts anymore and being sexy and confident in our bodies was all about what was going on in our heads! All internalised ideas of ageism and what you needed to look like to be sexy and desirable were forbidden. Of course! And I realised what was going on in my head was partly created by absorbing societal expectations of a woman of 55 and ideas of who was ‘allowed’ to be sexy and who was not. I have never looked back.

A peak experience for me was dancing at the Erotic Awards at the Clapham Grand Theatre with my burlesque partner and tasselling in my mid-fifties feeling and being sexy, desirable and confident.

I profoundly changed in those classes and would wish that transformation for every woman. We are designed as human beings to be sexual and enjoy sexual pleasure our whole lives. If it goes - the reasons are multiple including absorbing out dated ideas in society, lack of decent care during and post menopause, being stuck in boring or uninspiring relationships and so on.

Post menopause - I began to feel less sexual and my body ached as my great friend, oestrogen walked out of my life. I started HRT and as the aches and pains went, my libido returned. A year or so ago, I wanted to be re-tested as I was feeling a little less bouncy and frisky plus the discomfort in my joints had returned. This time my female health doctor tested for testosterone as well and found not only was my oestrogen was too low - although as she said there is very little data for women in their 60s and 70s - but there was no traceable testosterone at all. I had my dose of oestrogen and progesterone raised as well as adding testosterone for libido and muscle development. I now have a normal amount and I can feel a big difference. I have plenty of energy, a healthy libido and my weight lifting is fantastic. For those women who feel it is better to allow hormones to go as it is a “natural” process I would say if you have a test that shows you are low in vitamin D or D12 (which can be “natural” in ageing) would you refuse to supplement these and continue to suffer? If you find magnesium helps you sleep post menopause as you are low in this mineral, do you refuse to take it as it is a natural process? There is no difference. HRT now is mostly body identical and much improved from the early versions. All recent studies show it to be safe and that it is highly protective of our heart and bone health.

Interestingly sexual pleasure and remaining sexual has a huge impact on our pelvic health, our immune system and our mental health and is something to be cherished and nurtured with or without a partner. I feel sad for women who let go of it completely and cannot find their way back. I understand that is sometimes a choice but I do wonder if things could be deliciously different for them?

I do not understand why there are still people in society who find the idea of older people having sex odd or even repugnant. I think these ideas are gradually changing and older actresses and celebrities are becoming more vocal about this. Judi Dench is a great example of speaking up for women being sexual their whole life, with or without a partner. Obviously our very own Suzanne Noble from the fabulous podcast Sex Advice for Seniors is a force to be reckoned with in terms of smashing this taboo. Even some residential care homes for older people are beginning to address the sexual needs of their residents and support this.

Personally, I am looking forward to continuing to explore my sexuality and to feeling sexy for the rest of my life! Finally, I am not dependant on a man to make me feel desirable and of course this is probably why I am more often found desirable! Here’s to pleasure!