The worst day of my life was the day I arrived to live in Edinburgh.
Don’t get me wrong – I totally love the Scottish capital, and it’s one of the best places in the world to live. It just didn’t get off to the best start for me.
The thing is, on that day I was escaping from a very bad relationship, and I had twins of eight months and a two-year-old in tow.
I felt sick and I felt scared. And I was full of self-doubt: was I doing the right thing – for me, for my little son and two baby daughters? I was even doubting my own sanity. And I think you can imagine, being on your own in a new place with three tiny kids is no picnic at the best of times.
I’m happy to say life has improved dramatically in the 20+ years since then. The kids have grown into fantastic young adults and I’m in a really good place. But I wanted to share some of my story with you in a bid to help others falling into the kind of black hole I did.
So how did I get into that dark place?
Well, I did what many of us women do. I was in so much of a rush, back in my 30s, to get with a guy who ticked all the boxes that I forgot to check he had the qualities I actually needed for a happy, lasting relationship. I was choosing with my gut instinct rather than my rational brain.
I met the man in question – let’s call him James - when I was a research scientist studying monkey behaviour and had just returned to the UK after a couple of years’ fieldwork in South Africa.
I was writing up my research at a university in London. He worked in the city and liked to chuck money around so we ate at posh restaurants and went on skiing holidays and I have to admit it was all pretty exciting for me as a skint research student. He was gorgeous, charming and said he wanted all the same things as me. Because I really wanted it to be true, I chose to believe him and jumped in head first.
But, as no doubt you’ve guessed, things took a very nasty turn once we got hitched, and only went downhill after three babies quickly arrived in the mix. James, it turned out, was controlling and abusive and it gradually became obvious to me that I couldn’t live with this behaviour, and I certainly couldn’t bring up my kids amid this level of stress.
I was devastated. I remember sitting at my sister’s kitchen table as we talked through my options – none of them sounding very appealing.
‘Everything’s turned to sh*t. My big dream has gone’, I wailed.
My sister was a bit more pragmatic:
‘You’ll be OK. You can find a new dream’, she said gently.
I felt dubious but I took a deep breath, picked my time, and made a run for it with my three tiny kids, arriving in Edinburgh where I hoped I could lick my wounds and build a new life for us.
When the twins turned two, I enrolled at Napier University to train in specialist journalism. Travelling to remote parts of the globe to study animal behaviour clearly wasn’t an option now, so I decided to write about the science of behaviour for the press instead. I loved the research and writing, and it was a great way of keeping up with my subject and being able to fit around the kids.
But, as you can imagine, it was a pretty lonely time, so when my brood grew a bit, I thought I’d give online dating a shot and find a nice new man. I signed up and completed my profile with enthusiasm.
But surprise… I didn’t find a horde of suitable gentlemen beating a path to my door.
Yes, I met men online, yes I had dates and got together with guys, but I still had that habit of choosing with my gut instinct. I was picking men who seemed edgy and a bit of a challenge. But they didn’t make me happy.
But as time went on and my understanding of the science of attraction and relationships grew – this was what I was writing about in my work more and more – I came to understand what was going wrong.
For one thing, the research made me realise that following our gut instincts when getting together with a guy is likely to end badly. These instincts evolved back in stone-age times when a woman needed the big, dominant, high-status blokes who could provide for and protect her and the kids. We still want those things, even though they’re not usually traits that indicate a good long term relationship partner in today’s world, especially for women who are past the age when they want to make babies.
Really, we’d be better off going for someone with more emotional intelligence and empathy.
Looking back on my own doomed relationships I realised that I too had been prioritising the wrong things – the looks, the status, the super-confidence. One man had been properly narcissistic – one of the (very scary) Dark Triad traits. These guys can be incredibly charming at the start and I was swept off my feet by his love bombing, but he became jealous and nasty once he got his feet under the table.
And another pairing that didn’t go well was with a man who again had the presence and the macho sex appeal, but also with what I now know was ‘avoidant attachment’. If someone has this attachment style it means although they might want a relationship, they’re reluctant to let others get too close. This man was seriously blowing hot and cold and I found myself on an emotional rollercoaster – feeling elated and ‘in love’ one minute, and then rejected and despondent the next.
Coming to a scientific understanding of these things was a game changer. I realised that I needed to consciously evolve my preferences to suit what would work for me in the modern world and for the life stage I’m at now.
So I put my consciousness into action, went over the research and then armed with a knowledge of what I needed to find in a man for a happy relationship, and how to look for one, I got myself out there to find him.
I got chatting to Rob at a singles event one rainy January night, and I liked him, but it wasn’t love or even lust at first sight.
In the past that lack of immediate chemistry would have signalled: ‘Next please!’
But not now. I could tell that he was one of the good guys, so I was going to give it time, and we got to know each other gradually over the following few weeks at an evening class. I felt myself warming to him, but it wasn’t until I heard him sing and play ukulele in a pub session – and totally own the room - that I really got the hots.
It turns out I’ve found the love of my life. We got married six years ago now and I’ve never been happier. But the crazy thing is, if I’d been following my old way of looking for men, I’d never have given him a chance. I’d never have even got to the stage of hearing his gorgeous singing voice. I keep thanking my lucky stars that I learned to be a bit more objective and not to trust those stone-age instincts for choosing a mate.
Finally, in my 50s I found my new dream. My kids have grown into amazing young adults and I’m with a lovely man who enhances all of our lives and who I have a happy secure partnership with.
And not just that. Now, using my knowledge of the biology of behaviour, I’ve built a business – Dating Evolved – where I help other women over 50 find a partner that they can have the best relationship with.
I run an online program where I bring together small groups of women who, as well as learning the principles of identifying and finding the right man for them, get a huge amount of encouragement and motivation from each other. We’ve had lots of wonderful relationship success stories.
What can you change to make it work?
Well, here are 6 suggestions for ways you can help yourself right now:
1. Understand the type of man you need
You might want your man to be 6’4”, with a super-fit bod and a 6-figure salary. You might want this kind of man, but so does just about every other woman — so if you get with one of these how secure are you going to feel? And since he’ll know he’s in big demand, the chances are he won’t value you in the way you’d like.
Of course, I’m not suggesting you ‘settle’ but you might want to rethink the qualities you’re looking for to make sure they’re what you actually need for a happy relationship. I reckon that means a guy who’s considerate, trustworthy, and one who’ll try to make you happy every day. They do exist.
2. Know who you must avoid
There are some guys out there who press all the right buttons at the start: they’re charming, they put you on a pedestal, they send you red roses, and they say all the things you want to hear.
This might feel amazing – but be very careful here. You could be dealing with a bloke high in the Dark Triad – a particularly nasty combo of narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. With these guys it’s all fabulous at first, but once they’ve got you hooked things can turn very sour very fast.
You need to look out for inconsistencies. Does he maintain the wonderful persona when he thinks you’re not looking?
The best rule of thumb? If at the start it seems too good to be true, then it probably isn’t true.
3. Take your time
Imagine… you’ve just met a gorgeous hunk, he’s oozing charm and the sparks are flying. You can’t wait to get it on with him.
Problem is, when we get intimate with someone, our neurotransmitters go into overdrive, our attachment system swings into action and we find ourselves smitten with this bloke before we’ve worked out if he’s got what it takes to last the distance. More often than not, we then find ourselves spending the next few weeks or months or even years trying to get him to be the way we want – but it ain’t going to happen – he’s not that guy.
Better to find men you’d like to get to know as friends first, men who seem interesting, nice, that you’re curious about and would like to get to know better.
Research shows that if we like someone, if we like their personality and sense of humour, we gradually begin to find them more and more physically desirable.
A slow burn might seem less exciting than a firework display – but you won’t be using up all your time and emotional energy on someone who’s never going to be good for a relationship, and you’re likely to be a lot happier in the long run.
4. Get it right with online dating
You’re probably thinking, ‘I hate online dating!’ Most of us do, but it can work and we all know someone who’s found love this way.
Let’s face it – to find a good man we need to come into contact with a lot of men, so online dating gives us the potential to seriously bump up the number of them we can meet and assess.
But a big factor in your success with online dating will be the mindset you approach it with. If you’re convinced that you’re just going to meet scammers and players and such – then those are the men you’ll see. Of course, we need to use objective criteria to root out the duffers, but having a positive friendly attitude will help you to home in on the good guys and it’ll make decent men more likely to message you.
5. Don’t leave it up to the ‘Universe’
I’m always amazed at how often I hear women saying something along the lines of ‘what will be, will be’, or ‘when the time’s right he’ll find me’.
Really? By what magical process might this happen? And why would you want to leave something as important as finding a life partner up to chance?
The problem is, if you wait for men to put themselves on your radar, it’ll often be the players, the narcissists, the ones who are confident and have all the moves but lack the substance for a decent relationship.
The good guys tend to hang back because they’re respectful and care about what people think. This means that for both online dating and real-life meeting – you need to take some responsibility and get proactive. You need to get into the habit of making yourself more approachable to the good guys.
And make some moves yourself - it’s the 21st century!
6. Confidence is key
You absolutely are attractive for a man who’s right for you. Everybody likes different things – it’s the way we evolved to be – so own your idiosyncrasies.
Some men will run a mile if you let them find out you’re a computer nerd, or a fitness fanatic, or a literature buff. So what? You don’t want them. Some men will love your particular quirks and the kind of person you are and those are the ones to be interested in.
Get yourself out there and know you’ve got what it takes. Good self-esteem is your most powerful tool in finding the right man because it means you won’t put up with crap. And if you can bump up your confidence – that’s going to make you a really attractive prospect – it’ll make you shine.
And when you meet a guy, don’t be thinking
‘How can I make him like me?’, ‘How can I be attractive to this guy?’
Instead, ask yourself,
‘Has this man got what it takes to be the kind of partner I need?’
That’s how to find yourself a fabulous relationship.
--
And if you’d like Dr Mairi’s support in identifying, attracting, desiring, and finding one of the good guys, sign up for her FREE MASTERCLASS:
The 5 Essentials for Successful Dating – for women over 50.
In this session she’ll expand on the advice in this article, including how to write your online dating profile to stand out for the right man for you.
This is the registration link for my free masterclass: https://www.datingevolved.com/masterclass
And this is my own Substack - Evolved Dating over 50
Note: In Mairi’s work, she tends to focus on women seeking heterosexual relationships, since this is where her experience and expertise lie – and when it comes to the biology of attraction, there are important differences between men and women, on average. That said, the majority of dating advice she provides will be useful for women of any orientation.
 |
|
Love this. Relatable, useful and wise.