Gillian Capper, 71, retired, poet, journalist, teacher, early member of Cunning Stunts physical theatre group in the 70s… Advantages of Ages Q&A

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How old are you?

71

Where do you live?

After many years in London, I moved to Bridport in West Dorset, and I’ve been here about 30 years. Bridport is no longer a well-kept secret so I’m not going to go on about what an amazing place it is as it’s becoming a bit too popular and the traffic outside my front door is terrible. But it is a proper community and a great place to live, especially if you are a single older woman with a dog. Eligible men take note.

What do you do?

I am retired. I spend half the year in Portugal. People are always asking me in a pained and bewildered way, ‘what I do there?’. I do the same there as I do at home; read and write, swim and sing, cook and garden, perform various exercise routines, make kombucha, walk the dog, watch films and documentaries, see friends, do stuff to my house. And sometimes I just sit and think.

What is it like to be your age?

When I was a child, I loved old people and I had a strong instinct that I would improve with age myself and that my life would get better as I aged. And it has. I like being 71. And the last fifteen years have been the happiest of my life. The worst things about being my age (unlike my sixties) are the constant bodily aches and pains and the need to give up all one’s vices and pay attention to the hundred things (like weights and kitchen press-ups and drinking more water etc) one has incorporate into a daily routine to keep on going.

What do you have now that you didn’t have at 25?

I have a dog, a house of my own, children and published writing. I keenly remember being 25 and the despair I felt at not having any of the things (above) that I wanted. But mostly I have ‘become myself’; I have confidence and I’m comfortable in my own skin at last. Whereas at 25, I was still in the business of losing myself in other people, trying to fit in and hating myself. (I wouldn’t want to be 25 again for anything). And now I’ve also inherited a bit of money from my mother which is nice.

What about sex?

I haven’t had sex for about eight years. The last time was with the handsome 26 year old captain of a Turkish holiday boat trip. I thought he was in his thirties and I think he thought I was in my fifties. I could easily have gone quite doo-lally with the joy of it and bought the boy a boat of his own or something. I miss sex. But I am still a fully sexual being and if I had a lover, I think my libido would be pretty much the same as it’s always been. I had a very racy and experimental sexual life with my last partner and so I don’t feel I’ve missed out. But these days I’m not sure I could do it with anyone I didn’t love and feel safe with. And I’ve gone quite shy about it too otherwise I might try and find some kind of sex club for oldies or something. I’ve tried internet dating but it gives me the willies. Or not, as the case may be. I live in hope.

And relationships?

I was badly burned by my last love affair. Betrayed, lied to, stolen from and threatened (despite some prior years of deep passion). I’m not sure I could trust again. I’m happy living on my own without a close relationship. I’ve grown a lot in the 16 years since and I think I’d be better at a relationship now because I finally know who I am. I’m open to it, but with reservations because relationships are such hard work. Oh, who am I trying to kid? I long to love again.

How free do you feel?

Hmm. Both free and in chains. Certainly, free to do whatever the hell I want day to day. Not free of despair at the state of the world, or grief for the loss of so many loved ones, or sadness for the troubles of loved ones still going, or irritation with the bothersome entity that is my own mind. But does one want to be free of all the things that make us human? I’m working hard on deep acceptance of ‘the full catastrophe’ and I hope there will be a kind of freedom in that.

What are you proud of?

I’m very proud of my kids, of course. Apart from that, I’m proud of a small handful of the poems I’ve written. And mostly of having grown and developed, as a human being, of having faced my demons and done less harm than I might have done if I hadn’t followed the path of self-knowledge and become less judgemental and more compassionate. And I’m stupidly proud of looking good for my age to the point of saying ‘I’m 71!’ far too often and even going on to say ‘you’re supposed to say ‘you don’t look it’ if people don’t oblige. I’m also proud of not taking myself too seriously and being able to make other people laugh.

What keeps you inspired?

People are inspiring. I’m always so touched and inspired when I see the love some people have for each other, the sacrifices they make, the courage they display, their generosity, talent, resilience. It’s the unsung heroes and heroines of life who inspire me. People who demonstrate the great values of humanity with no need for acclaim.

When are you happiest?

When I’m in the sea, with my dog Hector swimming along beside me. When I’m driving alone in my car on a sunny day, singing along to my favourite playlist. And when I’m at my little place in the mountains of Portugal, looking out over the beauty of the valley with the green trees and the sounds of birdsong and rushing river. It makes me so happy that sometimes the feeling is so ‘fizzy’, it’s almost like anxiety and I can hardly bear it, (or the simultaneous fear that it’s all going to be taken away).

Where does your creativity go?

I think if you are a creative person, then everything you do is infused with that, whether it’s planting your garden, or choosing what clothes to wear or whatever. I can’t bear the sentimental idolising that goes on about ‘being a writer’. I’m at my most creative when I’m home-making really. Perhaps I should have been an interior designer (not!). I’m a great advocate of the Amateur where creativity is concerned, just doing the thing you love and not feeling you have to monetise it to get any respect.

Are you still dreaming?

My night time dreams are very fertile, complex, and engrossing. The feats of imagination the mind is capable of when dreaming absolutely astonishes and fascinates me. As for day-dreams, there’s nothing much I dream about having that I don’t already have. I sometimes still romantic-dream that I’m saving a heart-throb from a life-threatening situation, just as I did as a teenager rescuing Miss Davies my English teacher from being chased across a field by a bull. I don’t dream about World Peace though. Human beings just never seem to learn so, sadly, I no longer dream that ‘things will change for the better’. And I’m quite glad I won’t live to see the worst of it.

What’s your philosophy of living?

All my life I’ve been fascinated with the question of what it means to be a human being, and how best to live a life. Most of my subsequent Philosophy of Life turns out to be summed up in all the usual Fridge Magnets for the Soul: Know Thyself. Live and Let Live. Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged. Be Present. Be Kind. Follow Your Heart. There’s Nothing New Under the Sun. And my favourite, ‘there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so’. (Shakespeare). Not to mention, You Are What You Are and You Ain’t What You Ain’t (John Prine). I could go on....

And dying?

I’m preparing for my death, practically and spiritually. I have a death file for my kids with funeral instructions, the details of the plot I’ve bought myself in an Ash Grove and meadow overlooking three counties, Dorset, Somerset and Wiltshire. Plus things like my passwords and lawyer’s details and where the money is and stuff. I think about it a lot these days and find myself drawn to things like the recent memoir by Graham Caveney about having a terminal illness. I’d like not to be too dependent on pain killing drugs towards the end so I can be as conscious of the process as possible but I imagine it will be like childbirth, ‘Give me the drugs!’ Best not to have too much of a Death Plan then, in case it doesn’t work out. Am I scared of dying? Yes and no. Which is pretty much my answer to any question these days.

What is a recent outrageous action of yours?

Probably buying a house in Portugal without actually seeing it. Well, certainly other people seem to think that was a pretty outrageous and foolhardy thing to do. But I was so, so confident it was the place for me, (and I spent hundreds of hours studying videos of every plug socket and ceiling crack) and I was right, so it’s only now, 18 months later, that I think, blimey, that was quite an outrageous thing to do.