Christmas Past and Present

'On that day when I re-evaluated everything we did at Christmas'

If I go back to my childhood, I have a handful of Christmas memories.

I grew up in Bolton, Lancashire, in a family of six. Mum, dad and four of us kids.

I remember going down to Bolton Market on probably the day before Christmas Eve to get our tree. We had a convertible Morris Minor and the roof would be open in order to accommodate a really big tree!! Freezing! We were well wrapped up! As I remember it, it was dark by the time we got home.

Back in the hallway of the house, we would decorate it with shiny old glass baubles, tinsel, strands of silver and lights, which had lovely glowy big glass drops. The combination of the fragrance of the pine, the colours, the glitter and the feeling that the forest had come into our house was … well… wondrous! Our hallway was big and had wood panelling and leaded windows. The door to outside was never used because everyone came and went through the back door. So it was a great place for the tree.

When the parcels appeared underneath the tree, there was a rustle of paper whenever they were touched that had an excitement, mystery and promise of unknown treats in the near future.

We would go to bed on Christmas Eve, each with an enormous long sock. They were really big woollen knee socks, that dad used to wear walking in the fells of the Lake District and beyond.

When I awoke, there was this delicious weight on my legs that rustled with that wonderful Christmas wrapping sound! Then the feeling of the rough wool on my arms as I reached down further and further bringing out all the quirky small gifts, fruit, nuts and chocolate money, always an orange at the very toe. Ending with stuff strewed across my bed, munching on something sweet. My sisters and brother all showing each other what we got. That really set the day up as something special.

One year, I remember being still awake, eyes closed, when I heard quiet footsteps coming into my room. I kept my eyes tight shut as the full sock was gently laid onto my bed. I imagined his boots, maybe with little bits of frost still on them and his red trousered legs as he crossed the floor! When I think back to that memory, I actually don’t know whether I knew it was my dad and just did not want to know for sure or whether I still fully believed it was Father Christmas! Is it possible that I both knew and didn’t at the same time but chose what I preferred?

Christmas carols also brought a special atmosphere to those days, as my dad loved to have the festival of nine lessons and carols from Kings. College, Cambridge on the radio. It was broadcast in the afternoon on Christmas Eve. The singing was very pure and perfect. It became an evocative sound of Christmas.

But as I got older, I began to feel conflicted about the religious message of Christmas. At around 11 years old, I read the bible for a while and attended the Sunday classes mum took us to. I gave it a try but my personal analysis soon meant that the Christian religion was not something I could believe in. So from then on, I had to deal with the paradox between the carols being part of the delicious atmospheric feeling of Christmas and my serious level of agnosticism. Tricky.

Fast forward…

I don’t remember doing much about Christmas in my own life, but I very happily continued to return to the family Christmas as well as family holidays that were the times my family got back all together after we had grown up and were living our own lives.

The first year I got together with my kids’ dad, we spent Christmas ascending Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania! That was a bit different!

When my three kids were young, we used to go as a family to my mum and dad’s for a few years. By then they were living in Windermere in the Lake District about 3 hours drive from our home in Sheffield.

But there was a point, where the kids wanted us to be at home just the five of us. So that’s what we did from then on.

I remember that some of the traditional Christmas activities were hard to keep up with for me at times. One particular one - was sending cards.

So one year, I decided to sit down with myself and decide what I wanted Christmas to be for me and my family.

What brought joy?

What was a strain?

What felt oppressive?

As someone who experiences a significant level of seasonal effect (SAD), I had to look at it all.

If I could design our Christmas as the best one for us what would I create?

The result of my investigation was to choose all the good stuff and let go of all the stress y stuff.

I stopped sending Christmas cards

I suggested to the wider family that we only gave gifts to the under 18s and the closest members of family. So I was only giving to my partner and kids, mum, dad and the nieces and nephews. I really hate the thought of people stressing over buying gifts the person may not even want with money they can not afford.

This system worked really well throughout the family and I found that the teen nieces and nephews would much rather have an envelope with a tenner than anything I might try to choose for them.

So that was a happy change!

I had a few uncomfortable moments when receiving cards from people I hadn’t sent to, but stuck to my plan and decided it was okay.

What did I keep?

I kept a day full of joyful happy stuff.

Lots of lights and decorations. I bring ivy and holly in from the garden and it’s lovely all mixed up with lots of fairy lights. The forest comes into the house. The lights stray into the garden. And a Christmas tree. Christmas stockings full of little things, silly stuff, fruit and sweets, always including things like chocolate money and sugar mice and those kind of ‘just at Christmas’ kind of stuff.

I have always encouraged the family to not spend too much on presents because I don’t want anyone suffering from financial pressure at this time (or any time!).

I believe it’s more important to find something the person will enjoy, rather than think it has to be expensive.

The stockings continued well into my kids’ adulthood, as they had in my birth family. The contents adjusted accordingly. Though still some classics like chocolate money had to be in there!!

On that day when I re-evaluated everything we did at Christmas - the big question was - is it fun and joyful? If not, I ditched it.

This meant that as my children got older, there has never been any expectation about how they might want to do Christmas. I never expect them to come, or to do anything special. I ask them what they would like to do.

I never expect them to get up early on Christmas Day. We are relaxed.

Interestingly, they have always wanted to spend the day with us, unless they are going to their partners’ families.

I remember one year when my son came in and said his friends were moaning about being stuck with the family all day and he said he told them he loves Christmas with his family. I believe this was because we were/are laid back and just want to enjoy it.

We have breakfast, usually lateish. Then, we watch each other take turns to open our gifts one by one so we can savour the moment to the max. We eat, drink, play games, watch funny films, eat a big Christmas dinner a bit later with crackers, drinks and a fiery pudding and relax. I love and appreciate my family.

It’s one day. It’s not a marathon.

Sometimes, we go walking on Boxing Day in the Peak District. Two years ago, we went to a local spot and I had a cold dip!

We do whatever we feel like doing. If we don’t want to, we don’t. If none of my family wanted to do Christmas with me, I would happily do something else… or nothing. I never want my children to feel obliged to do anything they don’t want to at Christmas.

This one day of the year is, for me, about joy and family enjoying each other’s company, or not having to be together if it isn’t going to be fun.

It was interesting to see how we did Christmas in Covid.

My eldest invited us all to come to hers. We sat in a circle, all wrapped up, around a fire in her beautifully decorated back garden. She and her partner brought drinks and food out to us. We shared crackers and presents and had a lovely zoom call with my son in London who was with a friend. We opened the gifts we had posted earlier to each other on our zoom connection screen and laughed and felt close. Even Covid couldn’t spoil our jollity! I haven’t asked them yet but will soon. ‘Would you like me to do Christmas this year?’ I think my eldest and partner will host dinner in their new home. Or my kids may have other plans.

All is well with me. Christmas, in my life, is optional.