Are you swiping past the men who’d make you happy?
Let's look at those algorithms
Photo by Ivan S
This is a shout out to any women in the AofA community that are looking for a new partner!
Are you running the gauntlet of online dating?
It’s a tough gig, I know all too well – maybe especially tough at our age – but good on you for getting out there.
I’m congratulating you because in spite of being hard, online dating is an efficient way to maximise the number of potentially good people you come into contact with, which obviously increases your chances of finding a great mate. It’s the way most of my clients (I’m a dating coach for women over 50) find their partners, and I’d definitely recommend including it in your dating strategy.
But don’t rely on the algorithm to find the right man for you.
The thing is, what the apps are trying to optimise is keeping you active and on the site by presenting you with the possibility that you’re going to meet someone who’s super-attractive.
So with the swipe-able apps in particular, you’ll tend to get shown pictures of the most superficially “hot” men (who are being competed over big-time but don’t necessarily have what it takes anyway) or the guys who are the most active online (and are perhaps “players” and not looking for a full-on relationship).
And humans being humans – we tend to judge very much on the photo and are unlikely to delve deeper before swiping left or right.
The more traditional sites - the ones that you’ll tend to be able to peruse on your laptop - they’re a bit better in that you can glean more information about a person in their profile, but in terms of matching you with someone who’ll make you happy – frankly, the algorithms don’t work.
Let’s just think about it. What information are they going on?
Photo by Karola G
The algorithms can only take into account qualities they can reliably capture, like height, weight, age, job, self-rated attractiveness, salary, education, musical tastes, films you like. That must be the case because these are the things we tell them about, but these are not the details or traits that will give you any idea of someone’s potential for being a good partner for you.
The things that do matter – kindness, warmth, humour, honesty, loyalty, emotional stability and so on – these are qualities that can’t be assessed by the algorithm.
Even the more sophisticated sites that rely on extensive personality questionnaires and suggest they’re going to match you with someone highly compatible – don’t work either because matching simply on the basis of personality is nigh on impossible. Anyway, people don’t necessarily tell the truth in these questionnaires. Men are highly adept in real life at “putting on” a higher “Agreeableness” score (aka propensity for empathy and kindness) than they actually have when they first meet a prospective partner – so what hope is there for online questionnaires?
What the apps are encouraging you to do then is to choose on the basis of photos, and a bunch of traits that don’t really matter in the long run (and these could be fabricated anyway). This means you’re probably screening out guys with far more relationship potential - men with the qualities that actually matter.
Yes I know you’d like someone tall and good-looking, but maybe you’d be prepared to compromise a little bit on these if it meant you could be with someone really great. Please tell me ‘Yes’!
So, is online dating a waste of time?
Absolutely not. But you’ve got to know what you’re doing!
There are 3 things to think about here:
1. Pick the right kind of app
It’s worth making sure to sign up to the kind of site that allows you to search on and view men’s profiles – not those where you have to just take what you’re served up with. You need to take responsibility and track down the promising men yourself. Don’t rely on the algorithm.
2. Read before you look
I know it’s tempting to judge men on their photos first, but really – don’t! In fact if you can find a way to block the part of your screen that the photos appear on, do that and read the profile first. It won’t tell you everything you need to know to decide if he’s a good prospect, but it will give you some impression of what he’s like, and you’ll find out a lot more than if you’re just swiping through pictures.
And if they haven’t written much on their profile? Well, that tells you quite a bit too.
3. Be prepared to make the first move.
Yes of course it’s okay for women to send the first message – it’s the 21st century for goodness sake! Take charge of your future and choose who you want to talk to. You’ll usually get a better outcome.
Nobel prize-winning research demonstrated mathematically that a woman who initiates a match gets a better quality mate than those who wait to be chosen.
So what are you waiting for? Have a trawl through those profiles and decide for yourself who to start a conversation with!
And if you’d like a ton more great advice on online dating in midlife, come along to my next FREE MASTERCLASS on Monday 5th January at 7pm GMT:
“The Smart Woman’s 6-step Plan for Successful Online Dating over 50”
In this Free Masterclass you’ll learn how to:
· Get going on the right dating app for you
· Write your online dating profile in a way that’s attractive and compelling for your kind of guy
· Find the men online who are worth investing your time in
· Filter out the wrong men - the players, narcissists, scammers
· Write captivating messages to get interesting conversations going with men aligned with you
· Arrange a first IRL date in ways that establish your boundaries and get things off to the very best start
I’ll finish up with a Q&A so I can answer any of your online dating questions
You’re going to leave this masterclass with the tools you need to be successful with - and actually enjoy - online dating.
I hope I’ll see you on Monday 5th January at 7pm!
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